PEACE of junk
If you follow my blog, it’s no surprise that when I write, I dissect myself. Dig deep. Find something that I didn’t notice before. Like scissors.
Well, it has now been a year of blogging, and I have to say that I’m lying on a cold, sterile, surgical table…completely unassembled. I have hidden nothing. There is no more darkness. No deception. No privacy. Just pieces lying on a table. Staring up at you. Blink, blink.
But ummm…Before you start hyperventilating; I am not dead yet. I’m here because I want to be RE-assembled. RE-directed. and RE-focused.
Ready to be “RE-made”…I’ve made time to target the first piece I need to put me back together again. Trust me when I say that this PIECE has been fully over-analyzed. I’ve spent the entire last week considering what sort of foundation I want to lay for my new “body.” I’ve decided that it’s an inside, foundational piece.
It started with this question I asked:
Q: “If it were in my power to change ONLY ONE THING about my life, what would that be?”
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PART ONE: The first Piece
As I considered the Question, I went for a walk. I let the answer come to me before the understanding did. I have spent the week trying to understand my answer.
My Answer:
I want to feel PEACE.
PEACE *in the middle of*
PEACE *in spite of*
A Piece of Quiet
What (on-God’s-blue/green-earth) does that mean? What does PEACE even look like?!
Five puppies crawling all over my body?
A ten hour day at the spa?
Yoga poses at sunrise on the beach with the perfect outfit?
Sliding down a wet rainbow with a polka-dot umbrella?
I could go on…
As goofy as they are, these examples of peace are based on circumstances. When peace is based on circumstances, it disappears as soon as your polka-dot umbrella gets stolen.
*That’s not the kind of peace I am looking for.*
The kind of peace I want to set my FOUNDATION on has GOT TO GO deeper than that. It has to reach beyond the spa, and beach and the polka-dots (no offense to poka-dots).
I need the kind of peace that occurs in the middle of the UNPEACEFUL. Maybe you do too. I need a sense of patience when my faith gets tested, my morals need re-calibration, my dreams appear to be insurmountable, and my energy reserves are completely EMPTY.
Does that even exist?
the high price for a PEACE of cake
This is what I have been thinking about all week long.
I’ve realized that my level of PEACE is linked directly to my Values.
A few of my personal Values: my time, fitness, decisiveness, a clean house, creativity, honesty, information, spirituality…to name a small few.
When I pursue my Values, I feel peace. The extent to which I treasure each Value determines the level of peace in my life when I pursue it. When I don’t have peace, it is because I
…am denying myself access to something I value (forgiveness, connection, truth)
…am sacrificing one value on behalf of another (I may be exercising my rights but hindering the flow of love)
OR…I have placed value on something that is not happening (if I value fitness, but make no time to exercise)
To illustrate this: if I value money, I feel at peace when I obtain money, and lose peace when I waste money meaninglessly. This would happen both with situations that are IN my control (when I purchase something) and not in my control (when I have to call a plumber because I plugged the sink…again).
Subsequently, I could go on for hours, exploring probable situations where this conflict is appearing, but it is more beneficial if you explore this for yourselves.
When two Values conflict
There will be times when two Values conflict with each other. You can still feel peace in the middle of this conflict, but you need to understand what is going on in the background.
I’ll get personal here. I value my Time. Like money, time is a limited quantity, so it is important for me to spend it doing things that I Value. Having just said that, I Value spending time with my family AND reading blogs. Sometimes there is a conflict between the two which causes me to lose peace.
If I value both my family AND blogging, the time I spend with my family will depend on where I place the Value of blogging. If I value my family more, I will stop reading when they are available and make time for them, thus feeling at peace with myself. BUT if I value my family more than blogging yet still cannot seem to pull myself away to spend time with them, my level of peace dissipates as I abandon the lesser Value for the other. I become irritable and complain about the lack of time to do “Everything I want.” (Hint: When you feel like there is never enough time to do what you want, you are not organizing your Values properly.)
Discovering what you Value is an important part of finding PEACE; however, you must also weigh the priority of Values to find PEACE.
Peace comes as a result of actions, not words. If you want to have PEACE, your actions must reflect your convictions.
An important distinction
This is an intensely personal process. I am the only one who can assign priority to my own set of Values. I cannot set my Values according to someone else’s Values. Neither can I assume that their Values are the same as mine.
If I have someone in my life who assumes I Value something that I don’t, I must communicate my priorities or conflict will arise (this means saying “NO”).
If someone in my life pushes their Values onto me, the only way their list should make it onto mine is if “Obeying Your Values” is one of my values. And, it’s clearly not. Ha.
the first bite(s)
Still not sure where to start? I’ve split up my posts into three parts so the information is not overwhelming. If you are looking for peace in your life, please take this journey with me.
- Ask yourself if you need more peace. Are you willing to do what it takes to get it back?
- Write down a list of the things you Value.
- Arrange your Values in order from most-to-least important.
- Study your list. Figure out the ways you are NOT following your Values.
- Make time to establish changes.
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>>>Up next…in Part TWO I will elaborate about how my level of peace is affected by AREAS OF COMPROMISE!!!
All I am saying… is give peace a chance… or is that peas??? Maybe you just need more vegetables… or fiber… But I must say that I am excited… I am all a-flutter… I can’t wait to see where this is all going now… But we have moved from self examination to self improvement. This is like starting a new painting or a new poem or some other kind of art. The canvas is blank. You options are unlimited. I like this a lot better than just looking at the last painting you did and trying to figure out how it could have been better.
This is a very Aristotelian view you’ve taken to “peace.” Based on your description, this is what Aristotle referred to as “happiness.” He defined happiness as, “a life of reason, through virtue, for a complete lifetime.” He talked about finding the mean between the extremes, but said that the mean was different for different people. For instance, the amount of alcohol I can reasonably drink (w/o getting drunk) might be different from what a brawny lumberjack-dude could imbibe. We would have different middle-grounds between stone-cold sober and completely sauced. The medium for an alcoholic, however, would be “zero.” What you’ve discussed above, with the fact that only you can discern your own values and assign levels of importance to them, reminded me of all of this. I am so impressed with your journey of self-reflection! Can’t wait to read the next chapter!
ME TOO!!! I’m happy to be in this place. Thanks for being a fan…I’m hoping you can learn something one day…hahaha
I really appreciate your words, particularly – “Peace comes as a result of actions, not words. If you want to have PEACE, your actions must reflect your convictions.”
John Prine has a song (the name of which escapes me) with the line – “Steady losing means you ain’t choosing what you really think is right.”
Good reflection.
…and the constant need to move the leveling tool to compensate for unanticipated/outside bumps to our bubbles? Especially if our outside familial bumps are aging and unstable? Or any age and unstable…provided “family” is in our lineup of Values.
I’m always open to balancing those opposing forces. Please, bring on the ideas.
Ain’t gonna happen.
You have given me lots to think about
I realized that the kind of peace I’m trying to present is not a typical definition. Happiness doesn’t work either. Contentment is close. I’m working on it.
*picturing you in cross-legged Zen pose*
Saying…Ahhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm
I don’t like to think of things in my life being “balanced” (which sounds like something you have to keep an eye on constantly and hold your breath in case something falls off and breaks), but being “in harmony”. Sometimes some things take the melody, sometimes other things, but everything in my life is in the same key and nothing clashes. (I’m a musician, find the analogy that works for you!)
I like to think of “peace” as somewhat equivalent to “reconciliation”. Not that there’s never conflict, but that all things are able to work together towards a common… something. “Integrity” and “harmony” are connected words, in my mind.
I love how Jesus didn’t just come to forgive sins, but to reconcile ALL THINGS to God, who created them (us) for the purpose of enjoying them together and sharing Her joy with them.
I was talking to my husband last night about activities I enjoy but have not made time for in the past few months/years. We spoke of how if you derive true pleasure from an activity then you balance your life to include it, and if you do not create time for that activity–what is the reason and are you able to find an equal amount of happiness from the activity that replaced your true interest. For example, if I love to create art and I replace that time with watching tv-will I have the same fulfillment? For me, the answer is no. So why did I not make time to be creative?
Reading this post was the answer to my questions. If I want internal peace/happiness I must balance my values creating a balanced self.
love this. so well written to take us right along with you. totally going to do it too!
xo
Liar. I can already quote you saying you “may have just learned something”…and that’s as close as I need. Bah-ha-ha…
So much wisdom in here…and thank you for making time to comment on this and add your inspiration to it. I am a singer, so harmony is a great picture to me. I have never considered “peace” being similiar to “reconciliation” but in a way, perhaps that is closer to what I am referring to…I needed a way to describe being in harmony with all, including God and myself. That was exactly what I was trying to get at
This was EXACTLY where I was going with the post. I’m so glad you were able to see that when you read it…and THRILLED that you might be making time to be creative.
I have to make room in my schedule for my brain. I’m not working right now, but I am taking a course by correspondence, and I have allowed it to “scare” me. I’ve decided that even if I studied for 30 minutes a day, it would be a good start, and I’m not allowed to blog until that’s done
Cheers to getting where we want to go.
Darling…The second post is scaring me. I love it when that happens. You mean I actually have to CHANGE? Gulp. Yes. We are capable.
hug
For the past five years I have wanted to go back to school to earn a degree that will allow me to use my creativity in my career. And what were my reasons for not signing up for even one course? The kids, money, fear… Reading that you are taking a course makes me feel like I need to stop being afraid and go for it. Be the person I want to be now–what am I waiting for?
You were waiting for THIS MOMENT right here. It is upon you
I am so excited you just said that. Now we can be scared together. And do it anyway…!
I am scared–but it’s a good kinda scared.
Oh crap… hoisted by my own petard.
Yes it is.
I don’t know what a “petard” is…but it needs to be a word. Today I am of the belief that artist’s need to re-write the dictionary. Who was Webster anyway? Thanks for trying, but obviously a mathematician. English is doomed. Doomed. DOOMED!!! without us.
Look it up… it is a real word and a real expression… unless I spelled it wrong.
i know exactly how you feel and how it feels good at the same time ’cause the hard stuff is usually the stuff that makes the most difference! XO
You spelled it right. I was in Thesaurus, not Dictionary. (One more reason why I thought it didn’t exist…if the thesaurus doesn’t have synonyms for it…it can’t be a word, right?) Sigh.
Thank you for saying petard to me today.
You guys made me giggle out loud.
You are the only one I said that to today, just so you know.
I thought I posted this at least three days ago, but I don’t see it here. Fortunately I cut and pasted it to Word for spell check and then saved it, so here it be again. I wish it had been there before pt.2. I get the feeling you could have used it. LOL
Well how special was that? You did an excellent job. No wonder you didn’t have time to post and only comment for the past week. I feel flattered because of both your graphic choice for the “first piece” and the question with which you started. I am so very proud of you and your absolutely stellar accomplishment. I am going to encourage another blogger to either reblog your work or put up a link. You truly exceeded my expectations for an initial post. You wrote like you have been doing this a very long time. It had a very seasoned voice and look. And the Oscar goes to persuaded2go. Your insightful use of “persuaded to comment’ should have tipped me off when I first visited here. The graphics were spot-on too.
If you are on a roll with pt.2, roll with it. If not, don’t push it. You are not up against a deadline. Blogging allows for eschew quantity for quality. You are vinting fine wine to be savored now, not brewing beer for the masses to quench their less demanding thirst. Be mindful of a sense of peace as you write. Satisfying your purpose will bring you the pleasure of peace. You will be in peace because you will be in truth. We find peace in Christ because Christ is truth. Like our relationship with Christ, when you are out of peace with your self (Values), it will be because you are out of truth. If you do not feel peace, stop until it returns. Pray, meditate; take the dog for a walk. Continuing to write will only bring misery. You can’t “write” your way out of it from that psychic space. You will need to refocus. Go write elsewhere about the first thing that pushes to the front. Giving voice to it will lead to your lost peace. Continue to write there until the peace of truth compels you to return, and then write in peace from that truth. You have so much to offer. Serve only the good wine.
Again, I am so very proud of your first effort.
TSK, tsk, tsk. I was going to comment to you about WHY you didn’t comment, but I just thought maybe I had been FIRED…you said it wouldn’t be the first time
I’m glad you were flattered that I held onto a your advice / questions…but to be honest, if it weren’t for your words, I wouldn’t be writing this at all. You showed me the map. The question was pivotal for me to get started…like a swift kick in the jazz.
It’s true that I could have used your advice BEFORE I published part two, but to be honest, maybe there was a reason for the delay. I will apply the sentiment to part three and beyond. Part two definitely involved some intense wrestling for me, which honestly didn’t feel very peaceful, but I had some ADJUSTMENTS to make.
And I did indeed make them.
Your insight for me is…pause…finding the right word…just thank you. You are a God send.
It seems weird that you would write ME kudos. It means a lot. Especially since you “laughed at me” for answering your question about what I wanted most with “I WANT PEACE!” I knew you thought it was a COP OUT, and I’m glad I proved that it wasn’t.
Thank you for the advice about writing from a place of peace. My personality type profile says that I am drawn to things that are DARK. It’s SO TRUE. I am drawn to the torment within myself. If I am not tormented, how will I have anything to write about? I will need to learn to write from a new depth. A new purpose. And then…I draw a blank. (I’m hoping you will have more homework for me once I’m finished part three.)
“You are vintage fine wine to be savored now, not brewing beer for the masses to quench their less demanding thirst.” WOW.
“Be mindful of a sense of peace as you write.” You say that like you know that I must wring every last drop of moisture out of my grapes. It’s exhausting. You knew you had to say that. Thanks.
I got suspicious about the comment not posting so I went back into my sent mails on the 22nd.. I found two mails to another blogger in which I let them know I had a comment that I tried to repeatedly post over a 12 hour period than spanned 2 days. It never did take. I told them that interestingly it took the comment at that same time in which I observed that comments on the sight was facocked that night. Fortunately, I had copied it to Word to spell check and then saved it so I was able to send it in a mail. WordPress would tell me after each repost that it already had a duplicate of the comment and had deleted the re-post, Of course, it never posted the original comment to begin with. Your comment was the same time span. I think WordPress has some ‘splanin to do, Lucy.
A gift in apology for my not being the first to comment on your maiden voyage:
I thought of two people when I read this recently. You were one of them. I thought it might help to know where this journey is taking you. This is an exerpt from T. S. Eliot’s Little Gidding, the fourth and final poem of Eliot’s Four Quartets. The first eight lines tell the tale. The break at the eigth stanza was inserted by me.
“With the drawing of this Love and the voice of this Calling
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always—
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one”
blogventer and imayfly are already raising the bar on you. Don’t let it intimidate you. You did not know what they were waiting to hear before this first post. You wrote from your truth. Continue on that path. Do not put precious energy into tailoring your posts to them and their truth. They know their truth. They want to hear yours. Let your story tell itself. You will write what they need when they are ready to receive it. Now, go wite the truth. Stop when the flow stops. Refocus and begin again. What is the truth of this fear you are speaking of with commentor thiswillnotdefineus? How is it stealing your peace? How will you overcome it?
Close your eyes. Concentrate on your breathing out and breathing in. Feel your diaphragm rise and fall; feel your chest rise and fall. Hear the air move in and out. Listen and feel. Empty your mind. Give the truth space to return. When it does, begin again.
I love your writing and I really want you to know how much i appreciate you trying to help me
We have such high expectations of free stuff…don’t we…?
I have made comments on one blog that were posted on ANOTHER BLOG totally. I came across it by chance when I read the blog and there was my “SO STUPID” comment that was intended for the blog I was reading at the time.
The good thing is stuff like this is happening to everybody, so we share a common disdain. But to be honest, I still kinda like WordPress.
I’m glad you thought of me to send that to. I’m printing it out as I write this and will spend some time soaking it all in. I love it. Incredibly profound. Beautifully poetic. Fully embraced. Thank you.
Thank you for saying so. I elaborated on it more in part two, and it was hard. A necessary sweat though…purging the toxins to move on…
Thank you for your comment.
I know, right? I’m hoping to address the “bumps and bubbles” in part three. I don’t know the answers yet, but I’m enjoying the process. Wait a minute…did I just say that? It’s been hard. But letting go usually is. And it’s always worth it because it is replaced by something better. Thanks for commenting!
I am addressing the fear head on. But I am still feeling fear. But I also have peace because I am pursuing something I Value. I don’t value the fear, it’s just a by-product of stepping outside my comfort zone.
The truth of the fear (behind the course I am taking) is that although I am studying to achieve an education in fitness…the material is overwhelming and daunting, which rears the emotion of intimidation. I let the intimidation get the best of me for about 2 months, and made excuses for it. The truth is that I will not be capable of learning everything perfectly, and I will make mistakes. The truth is that I am fully capable of doing this, but it will mean WORK…it will not come as easily as education has in the past. But it will be worth it. So even though I have feelings of fear, the more time I spend with my nose in the book…the more it dissipates and is actually replaced by peace…if only because I am trying to do what I Value. I release myself from the pressure of perfection, because that value has dropped off the list (good riddance). THIS is going to be a big part of my story in part three. Three cheers…
Thank you for bringing it up. I was going to focus on a different irrational fear. geez…so many to choose from…?!
It feels inadequate to thank you, so I’ll just thank God for you. Done.
Thank you for saying so. Wish we could have coffee and talk, but this is all we’ve got, so it has to work…you know?
Hug.
Did it happen again in part three? Just checking cuz you were the first to like, and you’re not usually silent.
I was wondering if you had any more questions I could ponder…?
I have a work related injury to my right hand and a finger splinted. It is slowing me down as I am a touch typist and not used to hunting an pecking and I don’t text so this one finger typing is really slow and painful. Just wanted you to know I was still reading, just not commenting if I have a lot to say. Splint and stiches may come out in a week or so.
I think that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.
Probably a good thing to be “slowed down” from time to time. I wonder if it’s God’s way of forcing us to wean off of you…?
I have no idea what to do next. Maybe something will come to me. But this isn’t about ME. I hope your hand heals soon and you never EVER EVER do that again. That was just stupid.
I’ll try not to do that again for sure, especially to my dominant hand. Are you feeling the need to be “weaned” off of me? By “us”, do you mean you and I, or is there another anon with you being forced off?. Confused by the pronoun is all. I don’t want to misunderstand your intent over my misunderstanding of the grammar. I can comply with whatever you wish.
“Rarely is there any grace for the Betrayer, because the level of selfishness it takes to get there hurts others profoundly. The thing I want everyone to know is that we are all capable of that level of selfishness.”
You may have addressed this here in the past already, or not. If you did, do you now have a new perspective to write from.
Are you keeping secrets, both old and new? Are you building a secret? Does your husband know of this blog? If not, why not? Are you in danger once again? Of course, you don’t have to respond to any of the above, but you did ask for questions to ponder, though I am sure this is not what you had in mind. I sense a certain fragility in you as in you are losing focus. This usually happens when we feel relieved about an issue causing us to relax and remove ourselves from further confronting a problem. If you aren’t in peace or pursuing it, why not? That may be a more agreeable question for now.
“I wonder if it’s God’s way of forcing us to wean off of you…?”
By “US” I was just referring to all the others (blogs) I notice that you try to help with your words, who will undoubtedly be missing your thoughts while you recover.
I don’t feel the “NEED” to be weaned off of you, but that is what concerns me. I feel dependant. That could be good in some ways…and unhealthy in others. While it likely feels good to YOU to be needed (I’m sure), it feels not-so-good to ME to *need* (this is probably why I feel this way.) I am uncomfortable with having needs.
It’s like I don’t have confidence that I can figure this out on my own. Although, before you came along, I was unfocused, maybe, but doing fine. When your comments enetered my blog I realized that there was so much more to the picture that I couldn’t see.
I have been able to process the question you asked me. It felt so “on purpose” to explore rebuilding like that. However, now that it is done (and actually, even before it was done) I feel blind again. I don’t know where to go next. I mean, logically, there will be another building block, but how do I find it? It is not an obvious one to me. Or perhaps I need a push. I’m not sure.
I don’t think I am keeping secrets…not obvious ones anyway. My husband knows about this blog, and he encourages it, but he doesn’t read it. I don’t fear that I am in danger again because I blog or for any other reason, but that doesn’t mean the danger couldn’t come on unexpectedly (the first one did). I would kill my blog in a heartbeat if I thought it would be the destruction of my marriage.
Hopefuly that helps explain the fragility. I don’t think it’s because I have lost focus, I think it’s because I am “nearsighted”…I could only see three posts ahead…and now that I’ve finished them, I can’t see anything.
But you’re right. Writing the three parts has helped, but it has helped to convict me more than it has to give me the peace that I seek inside. I would love for it to be a quick fix. An easy answer. But I think it is going to be a process. I will have to pursue it routinely.
Who knows. Maybe there will be no peace until I’m dead.
OK…I just thought of this, maybe it’s a *secret*…but I think the OM’s wife found my blog this week. I can’t decide how I feel about that. Nervous. Happy. Self-conscious. Prayerful. It shook me.