if it ain’t broken, it will be eventually »

swing low, sweet chariot…

January 31, 2013 by hiddinsight

My last post was so positive and hopeful and inspiring that I’m having a hard time reconciling the fall that happened after I wrote it:
contemplative………..melancholy…………lonely…………..

So now, because I’m writing this, I feel like I am actively letting you down. Like I’m not allowed to feel like this because if I do, I got your hopes up.

I’m mad at myself for even writing this. (Perhaps I won’t publish it.)

It’s not that what I said wasn’t authentic. It was. I meant every word of it. I guess I just fell off my swing.

I’m not making bad choices. I’m just dealing with emotions. Thoughts. Memories. I guess I should just assume that if you have happy moments, you will also have sad moments. They will come. It’s normal. Then this too shall pass.

But to be honest…I kind of just want to be happy all the time. (How unrealistic is that.)

I want to ask myself what’s bothering me, but I don’t want to know what the answer is. So I won’t ask. Would I move past it sooner if I asked and had an answer anyway? Would chocolate help?

Here I was saying I’m so good at communicating now, that this is the solution to everything, and the sound of the silence around me is wrapping me in fog.

Still. I refuse to be stuck in a funk. I just need to do something to get out of it.

House cleaning here I come…then I’m getting back on my swing dammit.

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Posted in Cascading | Tagged affair, communication, emotional healing, healing from affair, healing takes time, lonely, marriage, melancholy, quiet, relationships | 44 Comments

44 Responses

on January 31, 2013 at 11:16 am i mayfly

I highly recommend a massage or reflexology. Switches my gears when I start hearing the first 3 bars of “Pity Party.” -Nikki
on January 31, 2013 at 11:35 am blogventer

“I want to ask myself what’s bothering me, but I don’t want to know what the answer is. So I won’t ask. Would I move past it sooner if I asked and had an answer anyway?” –> The problem is that if you ignore it, it will still be there. (Like how I married someone who wasn’t right for me.) And it will become an even bigger problem because it will have compounded over time. (Seven kids later…!) Maybe you have to put off asking yourself for a little while, but you’re going to have to deal with “it” eventually. Better sooner. (Before you have seven kids with the wrong man. Or something like that. )

“Would chocolate help?” –> Always! (How do you think I bribe the kids?)
on January 31, 2013 at 12:08 pm hiddinsight

Good recommendation…I decided to jump into a hot bubble bath and watch my fav show…well, after I enjoyed the jets a little I imagined I was having a massage…!
on January 31, 2013 at 12:33 pm hiddinsight

Ok…I did it I asked. It wasn’t so scary after all. I knew the answers. Feeling better. Glad I asked. Thank you for knowing I should.
on January 31, 2013 at 12:35 pm blogventer

(*whew!*) That’s AWESOME!!! Glad to hear it.
on January 31, 2013 at 12:48 pm hiddinsight

Thanks for knowing I needed that push.
on January 31, 2013 at 12:53 pm planted oak

xo.
on January 31, 2013 at 1:37 pm hiddinsight
on January 31, 2013 at 1:49 pm sharingourconnection

I concur about the chocolate!
on January 31, 2013 at 1:58 pm blogventer
on January 31, 2013 at 2:27 pm thewardanceofthemindandsoul

Part of what you’ve learned is that you can deal with your emotions, needs and fears as they surface. However, because the ego feeds on our fear, it will still try to get you to return to the ‘old ways’, especially when you’re evaluating things. Just be aware that the stronger we feel, the harder the ego will try to keep us small and reactive. So, when you realise you’re following the old trail, just acknowledge what’s actually happening, and re-align yourself back onto the new route. By the way, showing your ups and downs is great – it lets people see that you’re human, and that eventually, as you can find a way to walk your talk, maybe they can too! xx
on January 31, 2013 at 2:44 pm reaching4hishem

I’m not sure of your faith but this is where faith comes into play for me. I have to go to God daily with things and allow Him to be my comfort because the truth of the matter is the enemy wants to see you fail. He wants your marriage to fail, he wants the people watching you (or following you) to fail, he wants your family to fail. He does this by planting little negative seeds in our mind. We aid him by listening to those seeds and dwelling on them. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way, it’s reality. We are made of flesh and we want to feel good. Who doesn’t? Just press through these down days and don’t allow them to take root and outstay their welcome. You encourage me because I tell ya I feel the same at times. I love your transparency because it helps me to label how I’m feeling as well.
on January 31, 2013 at 4:20 pm cheerupitsraining

I love the last line of this.
on January 31, 2013 at 4:54 pm susielindau

Chocolate always helps! Hang in there…..swing…..
on January 31, 2013 at 5:06 pm thiswillnotdefineus

It’s so true… sometimes the question lingers in the back of my mind. It’s there but I won’t actually ask it to myself. Because I am afraid of the answer not being what I want it to be. But, just like you, I finally asked myself and said it out loud. The answer that I was fearful of was released because that wasn’t my answer… it was just a possiblility.
on January 31, 2013 at 5:19 pm GoddessWife

I want to be happy all the time. I don’t care how unrealistic it is…the thought makes me feel good.
on January 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm H. Stern

ALWAYS ask what’s wrong. You can ignore the answer with chocolate or powerful jets ( ) but honesty is difficult.

And it’s YOUR blog. We’re just here to support! Never feel like you shouldn’t put something up because you might disappoint us! I had a rough time with this same thought a few days ago. But honesty is ALWAYS best!
on January 31, 2013 at 6:10 pm Dottaraphels

Chocolate always helps! Glad you asked and got your answer, sometimes it’s not as scary as we may have thought. I recently learnt not to be too hard on myself and life in general, nothing is ever that serious that we can’t re-align where ever we think we trailed off.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:08 am pouringmyartout

You are letting stuff out… draining the pus… projectile vomiting the poison… it is all good.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:20 am hiddinsight

Ha!! Cheers
on February 1, 2013 at 10:26 am hiddinsight

Sigh.

Thank you. I think that’s the perfect word: Re-Evaluate. Yesterday I was afraid of that. But asking the questions I was afraid of the answers to, wasn’t so hard after all.

It’s like suddenly, now that I’m getting to be closer to a year past, my mind thinks I am strong enough to start confronting these things I pushed to the side in order to heal my marriage.

I am strong enough to face them now, and will do so with my fist and my heart and my mind together. I will get through this because the answers are available.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:29 am hiddinsight

You are so right about this, and I thank you for your answer. I know that there is a war being raged against me right now, and I am engaged, but not taking over. I have to continually make good choices, and keep communicating with God so that He can comfort me.

I refuse to listen to the lies of the enemy. He is challenging my mind these days quite a bit. Most of it I believe God is allowing because I am being tested to see how well I will rely on Him.

I really like you. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. It’s so encouraging.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:29 am hiddinsight

Ha Thank you…
on February 1, 2013 at 10:29 am hiddinsight

Back on the swing today…and the chocolate is dark
on February 1, 2013 at 10:31 am hiddinsight

YES. Yes. Yes. You know exactly what I am talking about. I learned yesterday to just ask. Not to be afraid. I am different than I was a year ago, and the questions I refused to face then are being faced now. I need to ask them and answer them so I can continue to move on.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:31 am hiddinsight

SIGH. This makes me smile.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:34 am hiddinsight

I guess yesterday was a really good lesson for me. So many people were just encouraging me to just ASK myself the stupid questions. I realized that they were coming up because I was ready to explore the possibilities again…to ask the questions and find out what I believe. It wasn’t so scary after all. It was actually scarier to just let them sit there and float around. Knocked me off my swing, dammit.

Better today. The jaccuzi jets were heavenly yesterday, lol…feeling a little guilty for enjoying that alone, but I guess I just needed the moment.

Back to normal today (whatever that is). Thank you for your words.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:36 am hiddinsight

It definitely was worth the ask!! I have to work on not being so serious!! Sometimes I wonder if it’s the weather too…it has been so dark and foggy around these parts, it’s hard not to get a little down. A re-alignment was so worth it. Thank you!
on February 1, 2013 at 10:40 am hiddinsight

YES. Trying to find a good spelling for the sound of it. How about:

“Buuuuoooo-uh-plhtt-ckk”

You know…that was actually a very profound thing to say. (Not what I said, what you said.)
on February 1, 2013 at 11:33 am pouringmyartout

I actually think about what I am going to say to you. I don’t do that for everybody.
on February 1, 2013 at 11:56 am hiddinsight

And I don’t hit anybody I don’t like. If we ever meet, I’ll make sure to give you a good jab to the ribs. Pure affection. (Thanks by the way)
on February 1, 2013 at 12:07 pm susielindau

Ooooooh yum…..
on February 1, 2013 at 12:19 pm pouringmyartout

You hit people you like? That is just a little weird.
on February 1, 2013 at 1:01 pm mistyslaws

Well, sure, chocolate is all well and good, but . . . make sure you have a glass of something strong to go with it!!

Normal peaks and valleys. Ebbs and flows. Don’t ever feel guilty for feeling something. It’s authentic, whatever it is.

Also, I just noticed that your theme is MistyLook. Nice.
on February 1, 2013 at 2:14 pm hiddinsight

Yes always. Its when they hit back that I know true friendship has occurred.
on February 1, 2013 at 2:16 pm hiddinsight

Does Cinnamon Whiskey count?! Why do I always think of it five minutes before I have to pick up the kids from school, that stinks.

I hear the clink from our growing misty collection…cheers.
on February 1, 2013 at 2:56 pm pouringmyartout

Well then, if we ever meet, I will punch you right in the face to show how much I care… Ha!
on February 1, 2013 at 6:35 pm H. Stern

It’s so hard, but you’re so worth it!
on February 2, 2013 at 2:05 am thewardanceofthemindandsoul

You are strong, and you will get through this phase, as you have all the others! And when you start to have doubts – which we all do when we’re trying to change our lives, and is normal, then we all will help you in whatever way we can, to find your way through that crisis point!

You are not alone – just yell out when you need to! x
on February 2, 2013 at 1:50 pm hiddinsight

Deal.
on February 2, 2013 at 1:51 pm hiddinsight

Awww shucks
on February 2, 2013 at 1:51 pm hiddinsight

LOVE THIS
on February 2, 2013 at 2:34 pm pouringmyartout

I look forward to it… ha!
on February 3, 2013 at 2:29 am thewardanceofthemindandsoul

x