My last post was so positive and hopeful and inspiring that I’m having a hard time reconciling the fall that happened after I wrote it:
So now, because I’m writing this, I feel like I am actively letting you down. Like I’m not allowed to feel like this because if I do, I got your hopes up.
I’m mad at myself for even writing this. (Perhaps I won’t publish it.)
It’s not that what I said wasn’t authentic. It was. I meant every word of it. I guess I just fell off my swing.
I’m not making bad choices. I’m just dealing with emotions. Thoughts. Memories. I guess I should just assume that if you have happy moments, you will also have sad moments. They will come. It’s normal. Then this too shall pass.
But to be honest…I kind of just want to be happy all the time. (How unrealistic is that.)
I want to ask myself what’s bothering me, but I don’t want to know what the answer is. So I won’t ask. Would I move past it sooner if I asked and had an answer anyway? Would chocolate help?
Here I was saying I’m so good at communicating now, that this is the solution to everything, and the sound of the silence around me is wrapping me in fog.
Still. I refuse to be stuck in a funk. I just need to do something to get out of it.
House cleaning here I come…then I’m getting back on my swing dammit.