heart check [up]

January 29, 2013 by hiddinsight

The Past

My brokenness started to leak out through the cracks in my heart last year when we were on a family ski trip.

I was sitting alone in an outdoor hot tub trying to stuff down the tears while my husband played with the kids in the pool. I was trying to deal with how I was feeling, and my mind was wrapped entirely in myself when my husband came over to the hot tub and commented on the “shards of glass” that had figuratively accumulated around me. When he had finally noticed, I couldn’t do anything to hold in the bleeding any longer. I burst.

That was February last year. I didn’t admit to him that I had fallen in love with someone else at the time. I was confused. How was I capable of this? What did it mean? In order to make sense of it all, all I could figure out was that I probably just didn’t love him anymore. I told him that ”my heart was very very sick.”

It was a long drive home…

The Present

Our first trip back to that very same place since this conversation happened was this weekend. He let me know that it was going to be very hard for him. He just wanted to get the first trip back out of the way. We had invited my brother and his family in order to get through it with more distractions. It was surprisingly good. Fantastic actually. Moments of pure bliss were built in as we grabbed a bottle of glue and made new memories.

The Future

This man has done everything (I mean EVERYTHING) in his power to ensure that I am happy. Could I make a list of all the points he still has to work on? Yes, of course. But his list would be longer…HA!

he is not allowing his fears to control him
he is not falling over himself to baby me
he is allowing me the room I need to make good choices
he doesn’t bring up my mistake at all
he trusts me because he wants to (not because it’s easy)

It’s an incredible feeling to think about how far we have made it in almost a year. We are going back for another ski weekend again in a few weeks, and I am so happy to make this a part of our “new story.” It really is a new life. New opportunity. I get to be a new person. We get to have a new relationship. A new marriage.

The heart of the matter

I have found myself looking at the condition of my heart again, just as a sort of check-up. It’s not in perfect condition. But there is hope written all over it. And I feel way more in control of my life, my choices, and my destiny than ever before. I feel stronger, happier, and secure.

The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.”

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Posted in Changling | Tagged affair, affair recovery, healing from affair, heart, hope, infidelity, love, marriage, relationships | 44 Comments

44 Responses

on January 29, 2013 at 4:46 pm longtooth

Awesome quote. And so true.
on January 29, 2013 at 4:48 pm hiddinsight

Thanks. I’m learning to let my heart lead my mind instead of the other way around.
on January 29, 2013 at 4:50 pm longtooth

It’s a far better ride, you’ll see.
on January 29, 2013 at 4:50 pm Jason Bender

Loved reading your post. Also was awesome to hear you praise your husband who has committed to love like Jesus – so few of them around these days!
~Jason (jbend8.wordpress.com)
on January 29, 2013 at 4:58 pm LetSdeG

It’s good you’ve set up these ‘metrics’ for yourself, especially so soon after that incident. I know that it’s difficult but you are doing the right thing by staying transparent. When you can harmonize what you feel do and say, happiness follows.
on January 29, 2013 at 5:07 pm H. Stern

I LOVE that this story has a happy… well, it’s not ENDED, but a happy close to that chapter.
on January 29, 2013 at 6:23 pm hiddinsight

Love that word: harmonize. Beautiful picture. Thank you.
on January 29, 2013 at 6:31 pm hiddinsight

Ha Thanks…me too!
on January 29, 2013 at 7:18 pm reaching4hishem

This is what marriage is all about. So often we let society decide what the correct options are when a spouse has been unfaithful. That is incorrect! It also doesn’t take sex to make a spouse unfaithful. I had an emotional affair with an ex when my husband and I had our roughest year of marriage in 2010. I felt the same way you describe in your posts, and I was just as wrong. My husband was just as hurt and still struggles, but like yours he has gone above and beyond to forgive. We are two blessed wives, but not to take way from the women we are! The story has been written several times about the wife who wouldn’t let go of selfish desires, and chose to continue on her path no matter the husband’s actions. So, I say kudos to you for writing a different story and allowing your family to go forth. You will be (and I’m sure have been) blessed for it! Love your blog
on January 29, 2013 at 7:24 pm Liberty

Loved this! And so needed a happy story today. Thank you
on January 29, 2013 at 8:11 pm blogventer

You sound so happy, persuaded2go. *sigh!* And it sounds as though your husband is coping well, one year out. So happy for you! What a great road you have ahead of you! Thank you for sharing this.
on January 30, 2013 at 1:00 am iceman18

Riveting, powerful! You have a good husband.
on January 30, 2013 at 1:57 am thewardanceofthemindandsoul

Sounds like things are going really well for both of you, and it seems like you are both working toward the same goal! However, I was wondering, do you know what is different now, from what was then, (before the affair when you were unhappy/during the affair). Wisdom that we learn from our pain is so precious, and can help so many others cope with their lives! xx
on January 30, 2013 at 4:43 am planted oak

what a lovely, hopeful entry in your life’s journal. grabbing that glue, making new memories…..like scrap-booking over the old. glad for you. xo –kris
on January 30, 2013 at 11:37 am hiddinsight

So true. We are so very blessed. I am encouraged by your phrase: not to take away from the women we are. I continually feel this wonderful sense of power, knowing that I am the only one in control of my fate. I tremble at the thought of the responsibility now, whereas, when I was straying, I let emotions control me like a wind-whipped seedling.

Thank you for the inspirational words, and kudos to us
on January 30, 2013 at 11:39 am hiddinsight

I think you’re right!
on January 30, 2013 at 11:41 am hiddinsight

Awwwww…thank you. I’m so glad to be able to share it. We are not an entire year out yet, so life still feels fresh and new many times, but that keeps the daily grind more interesting!
on January 30, 2013 at 11:42 am hiddinsight

I’m glad to be able to share it. In some ways I wondered if he needed me to ask more questions, like how are you doing. But it seemed like he just wanted to get through it, because he knew he would be a little bit more on edge than normal with triggers and flashbacks. I loved the thought that he shared that with me, and it drew me in to want to protect him more.
on January 30, 2013 at 11:43 am hiddinsight

Yeah. Sometimes I just shake my head, I can’t even believe it. I can be so stupid to take for granted what I’ve got. But it just goes to show you that when you stop being thankful for what you have, you can lose it. It was such a good reminder for both of us.
on January 30, 2013 at 11:50 am hiddinsight

Good question I do know (for me) what is different now. Before, I would stuff all my emotions towards him. If I was annoyed, I convinced myself that I was being a bad wife if I let it bother me. If I made a crappy dinner, I felt guilty. A few times if I actually wanted sex, I never told him. Never told him what I needed, and if I did, it was in a spirit of criticism because I was resentful from holding everything in. He had no clue. (Neither did I).

Now I am learning to open my heart to him again and communicate Geez I wish I would have figured this out sooner!

xx
on January 30, 2013 at 11:55 am hiddinsight

My goodness, you are cute That is a beautiful analogy. I was picturing broken pottery, but scrapbooking is another totally beautiful picture. Thanks!
on January 30, 2013 at 12:41 pm reaching4hishem

Wow! This was exactly me in 2010!
on January 30, 2013 at 12:51 pm planted oak

i reference it a lot cause i secretly want to be a scrapbooker and totally suck at it! –k.
on January 30, 2013 at 1:06 pm hiddinsight

It really does offer an interesting hindsight, doesn’t it? All too common I’m supposing.
on January 30, 2013 at 1:07 pm hiddinsight

You don’t say? I’ve got all the stuff, but I have never made a page…

Can I play this game too? Hah.
on January 30, 2013 at 2:23 pm planted oak

yes! we’ll be a team lol
on January 30, 2013 at 3:20 pm blogventer

Awwww!!! That’s so sweet! It’s so nice to hear “healthy” recovery stories (or, as healthy as this process can be).
on January 31, 2013 at 1:23 am thewardanceofthemindandsoul

At least you found out how to change your life before it was too late eh! Well done xx
on January 31, 2013 at 6:13 am mistyslaws

This is such a heartening story. Sorry, bad pun. But truly, it is very encouraging that you guys could get past the hurt and brokenness, and start a new chapter, while mending the broken pieces of both of your hearts. Hopefully, the new and happier memories will make the old, unhappy ones in that place fade away to mist. What an amazing journey you are on. Keep travelling!
on January 31, 2013 at 6:31 am brokenheartedfaithdeparted

Seeing this… it is heart-lifting for me. I need to start at the beginning…
on January 31, 2013 at 9:54 am hiddinsight

The funny thing is my daughter (10) just joined an after-school scrapbooking club. Now she’s going to be the one actually making pages…well, somebody had to do it
on January 31, 2013 at 9:55 am hiddinsight

Yeah totally. I think it works both ways though. We have really good moments and huge strides forward, and then it’s almost as if you just feel emotionally down. At least I do. It’s weird. Nothing happened. I just feel contemplative today. I guess I just don’t read into it too much…this too will pass. HUG.
on January 31, 2013 at 10:00 am hiddinsight

So true.

The weird thing is that right after writing it, I started to feel melancholy. Everything I wrote was authentic, but for some reason, I caught the swing down to the other side. I’m trying not to read too much into it…assuming this is normal. But after having just wrote about hope and peace and newness, people were very encouraged. Now I feel like I can’t say anything but the good parts because I just gave everyone hope and inspiration. Now I am trapped. Maybe that’s why the contemplative down-swing.

Melodrama. This too shall pass
on January 31, 2013 at 10:04 am hiddinsight

Thank you for the happy words. I wonder if every marriage goes through at least one rough patch. How can you be married for life and NOT? It’s weird how it CAN make you both stronger if you let it. I used to be very afraid of saying anything negative, but communication is more important…so it’s my mantra now. I’m glad you popped over for a visit; made my day
on January 31, 2013 at 10:07 am hiddinsight

Yes. Some things just can’t be repaired. They just need to be made NEW.
on February 1, 2013 at 9:38 am pouringmyartout

You ended up with a really great guy. Not every man could deal with all that. But then again, the heart plays by its own rules. You can’t tell it who to love. That is just a sad, simple truth of life.
on February 1, 2013 at 10:38 am hiddinsight

It reminds me of the song “Try” by P!NK. Have you heard it? I’m playing it really loud for you right now…your comment is almost word-for-word…
on February 1, 2013 at 11:32 am pouringmyartout

I only like music written before 1980…
on February 1, 2013 at 11:55 am hiddinsight

That means you haven’t heard the song. Stop being such an ass.
on February 1, 2013 at 12:16 pm pouringmyartout

Ouch.
on February 1, 2013 at 2:13 pm hiddinsight

Oh come on… that didn’t hurt. It was a playful jab. You’ve never been called an ass before? Donkeys run wild over here…;)
on February 1, 2013 at 2:55 pm pouringmyartout

Oh, I have been called much worse… but not by you…
on February 2, 2013 at 1:49 pm hiddinsight

I know. I can tell it’s affecting you. Don’t let it go to your head.
on February 2, 2013 at 2:33 pm pouringmyartout

I never let anything go to my head… eeerrr…. ummmmm…