“WHY does he keep DOING that?”
My question was asked out of a sense of confusion and dumb-founded presumption. Oh, I already knew what his problem was. [Even I couldn't see that I had the same problem. More on that later.]
I was on the phone with my mom only a few short years ago as we were sadly pondering my little brother’s stupid behavior, mistakes, and mess.
The Answer? My brother had what I like to refer to as “the Savior complex.” I invented it just to describe him.
At the time I thought this “syndrome” was unique to HIM and him ALONE. Surely he was the only person in the world who suffered with the stupid idea that you can save people without dying for them. In fact, he had it so bad that at one point he was supporting his EX-girlfriend by
1. Allowing her to live with him (in his one-bedroom apartment)
2. Buying her groceries (she didn’t have a job…she said nobody would hire her because she was ugly) and
3. Supporting her afloat financially (if he kicked her out she would kill herself)
4. Enabling her to date other men
He knew that if he kicked her out she would fall hard, so really, he was akin to Jesus himself. Keeping her alive by the power of Stupidity.
But this is not a rant. It’s an analysis of how easy it is to judge and how easy it is to fall into this trap. What? Not you. Certainly not you. Well, for the sake of understanding stupidity, let me explain.
Would you like to be able to see these things coming, IN ADVANCE? That’s why I post today. I didn’t see it coming. You see, I knew that my brother had it. But what I didn’t know was that he wasn’t alone. I set and walked into the very same trap when I had my Affair. This is how it began…
Me. The hero. Come to save the day.
Disclaimer: I have mentioned different aspects of my story before, but it’s been a while. I only bring up what I think is necessary in order to bring enlightenment to the human race on things that help us to discover WHAT WORKS and WHAT DOESN’T work. I don’t bring it up to reminisce OR spank myself OR even to warn myself of what I am capable of. I bring it up because I believe it may bring understanding to your journey.
I wouldn’t have even considered the Other Man and I friends for the longest time. We were just partners in our kickboxing club once a week. I had lost my previous partner due to an injury (not inflicted by me!!), so I needed someone who was “safe.” He was 23 years older than me, so I deemed that as safe.
Every once in a while he would overhear a conversation I was having with someone else and express a concern to me about my eating habits. I was shocked that he would care, but learned later that this was because he had a very sick daughter. I said I would keep her in my prayers because I’m like that. It was rarely brought up. Once he forwarded me an informational document on Eating Disorders that she had sent to him. I noticed her email address was there (in the forward). More time passed.
One day, I was listening to a song on the radio, and become overwhelmed with compassion for this girl. I remember that I had seen her email address in that forward. When I arrived at work, I could no longer just “pray for her” but I was overwhelmed with the need to do something more. I needed to help on a more noble level with the chance that her recovery perhaps was right around the corner. Perhaps it was in my hands. I’d say that was about the time when my “Savior Complex” kicked in. [Had I just prayed quietly, none of this would have happened.]
That day, I sent her an email filled with encouragement and a link to the song I had listened to that made me think of her. She wrote me back saying I was an Angel (she had no idea who I was). I had affected her, influenced her. Not God, it was ME. I had taken matters into my own hands, and it felt noble.
It sounds so innocent doesn’t it? But the fact is that I had NO RIGHT to cross the line like that. I had no permission, not from God, not from her dad, nobody. I didn’t even have experience with her disease.
Well, it got complicated after that. The next months involved me confessing what I had done to the Other Man. Then, the two of us began to conspiring together to keep her from knowing who I was (because she hated him and I would have NO influence on her if she knew I was his friend). At times he would include a personal tidbit of information or let me know if she was having a bad day, and I would anonymously email her again. She couldn’t figure out how I kept getting it right. That didn’t last long. Eventually she did. Not only did she figure out who I was and how I had found out about her (increasing her hate for her father), but she felt manipulated and it caused her health to be made worse. To add to fuel to the fire, she hacked into his Facebook account and discovered our budding relationship, keeping it a secret until she could stand it no longer. This betrayal broke her already fragile relationship with her father, and tainted her already brittle faith.
“We are heroes in error.” [Ahmad Chalabi]
My hero [me.] died that day.
It began with innocence. The misguided desire to help someone who was hurting. That someone happened to be outside my realm of influence. I had forced it. The idea that I could influence, encourage, and strengthen someone I didn’t know was so appealing. I’m not saying words of encouragement aren’t for everybody. I’m saying you need to stay within the lines of your authority. The power of your words is incredibly important. Even more important is to know who is okay to touch and who is God’s alone. This one wasn’t my personal fish to fry. In hindsight, I could have done MORE by praying. So little, yet so big.
HELP WANTED: I need a new hero.
Whether you are out to rescue others or yourself, be careful when you take matters into your own hands. You can change someone’s destiny for good or evil, but not everyone is yours to influence. Some people you just need to keep your HANDS OFF. Certain things you must own, other things you can’t do on your own...
Even heroes can take a wrong turn, or go a step too far. They are heroes because they don’t let that stop them from trying again. Maybe.
Something to think about….thanks for the comment. Certainly heroes are just regular people who are brave. And not knowing that it wasn’t within my realm of responsibility to help her…well, I didn’t know that at the time. Part of me thinks it’s unfair to say it after the fact. I mean, sure I know better now. Trying again would be a possibility only under the right circumstances. Hopefully I can recognize them a bit easier now.
I frequently refuse to give strange men money in the parking lot, for instance. Not because I can’t give them money. But because it is NOT OKAY for a man to approach a woman and ask her for money. It just puts me on edge. I could plan in advance and have a protein bar in my pocket next time I’m at the mall, but to be spontaneous like that (for me) seems to lack a bit of common sense. Giving someone a few dollars only keeps them where they are. Delays the inevitable.
I know this could also start a huge debate. I find it too personal to debate, but sometimes enjoy reading what others think on the the subject. Not sure how you got my opinion out of me on that one!!
Well now I feel special… but it is not okay for strange men to ask your opinion in a blogginglot! Now I am just going to stay where I am!
Where the hell am I???
Blogging is different. We build relationships. I don’t mail you my money. If you’re on my doorstep, I’ll still send you away empty-handed. Or I’ll let you walk my dog. Either/or.
I would walk your dog… I love dogs… and they love me…
You describe well a syndrome that any of us can develop. Thanks for the post.
I know. I wouldn’t send my dog out with just anybody! Not on a good day, anyway…she can be a brat.
Now I feel like you really do trust me…. awwwwww….
I know there are more angles to attack this from. I didn’t intentionally insinuate that my experience forms hard & fast rules for everybody. Just wanted to bring an awareness to the fact that “helping people” is not always for THE (ie. the people who need “help.”)
Typically, we help others for ourselves, to feel better about who we are. It is because it got me in trouble that I write from this angle, but I don’t mean that helping people is BAD. It’s not. Just as we choose who we spend our time with, we need to put as much thought into WHO it is we are helping and WHY.
Thanks for reading
My husband has that same problem. He started out having compassion for Tina and just wanted to help her but one thing lead to another and he too crossed the line emotionally and physically. Every woman he would talk to online he was trying to be their hero. One woman thanked him for giving her his number and praying with her cause her husband wouldnt’ understand. I wrote her and told her if she called my husband again I would call her husband and pray with him. Never saw her again. But he did this with every woman. Especially in the church. You don’t know how many times I begged for boundaries and that he would turn the woman over to me. He loved the kudos and feeling like he was “the man” too much to listen to me. I was pretty much invisiable unless he wanted me to run something for him or cover for him when he couldn’t be there.I too have compassion for people and always want to fix them but never enought to cross the line. I think I was more fearful of disappointing God then my husband. It was harder when I was gaming and guys would talk to me and share thier probs. It’s a miracle I never cheated because these men did everything they could to win me over. It was crazy. I loved the attention but I couldn’t flirt back or give any indication I was interested because that would have been my downfall. I wish he had done the same for us. Blessings.
I liked the term you used *saviour complex* I’m not quite at that level, I’m what you would call a fixer. If someone is broken mentally I feel this uncontrollable need to fix them. Some times I succeed, sometimes I don’t. If I’m not careful it can become mentally draining. Oh, and if you are looking for some one to influance, could you possible influance me to get my ass back to the gym?
Hopefully in the future the two of you will be able to do “teamwork” in ministry…you get the girls, he gets the guys, and you both get the marriages. Now that you’ve been through it, I’m sure it is so much easier for him to see.
I think it came across in my post that I don’t believe helping people is wrong. I think it crosses the line when you “assume” that EVERYONE is your responsibility. I mean, even Jesus did nothing that he didn’t hear the Father say first. He had permission to move within the realms of the boundaries.
Thank you for admitting that even you have been tempted to cross the line. You’re right that it was a miracle. I also see it as a miracle that I made it out of this, and sometimes marvel at the fact that I was fasting one day a week for almost 2 years prior to my affair. I can only imagine what would have happened to me if I hadn’t been. It amazes me that, as a Father, God would still allow us to make these choices so that we fall flat on our faces. When we get up, though, we get up strong because we know it’s not about us anymore.
I think that there are many out there who can relate to this to some degree. A part of me feels bad for being so extreme on the topic, but nobody is reminding me that there is another side. But you’re very right…the opportunities to help others need to be filtered.
Now, get your ass back to the gym.
I have this problem on the professional side – wanting to develop and nurture every single employee I thought was being beat down by “the man” in corporate America. Eventually you realize a) you can’t save everyone and b) doing so is not our job. Clearly I am pulling that from somewhere in my personal life, but I really don’t have too many people to fix over there anymore. I purged myself of every leech in my life some time ago and it’s been pretty good ever since.
Don’t forget to share that wisdom with others. I think there are many out there who need to hear this message. And understand how it feels to not feel guilty because it’s not your responsibility. I certainly find it hard. Even just typing that. You must feel so relieved to have been able to let go of the ties with people who sucked your energy away.
I’ve always been a “rescuer” (my term for it) and that has sometimes led to problems. There are problematic downsides, as you so well described. On the other hand, when my wife had left me and I realized that I needed to be her rescuer, those same tendencies served me well. One of the most gratifying moments of my life came months after one of my toughest. On the night I told her that I was going to rescue her, she told me she didn’t need or want to be rescued and kicked me out. Months later, in a love letter, she wrote, “Thank you for rescuing me.”
YES!!! So beautifully put. I got goosebumps. Definitely worked this to your advantage
When rescuing is within your area of responsibility…it’s benefits can be priceless!! So great.
My husband has also done a really good job of rescuing me when I needed it most. Good job.
Reblogged this on betrayedin2012's Blog and commented:
So I read this today.. And, Ive thought a lot about this. I am a strong woman, atleast before all this with my husband. I left an abusive relationship. I made hard choices for the betterment of my son. I was alone when me and my husband met. A single mom doing her best to survive. Not asking for help, working for $5.75 an hour part time trying to survive. No goverment help. I would starve before my son did. Nights I wouldnt eat dinner because I needed diapers. My husband saved me. He bought me diapers without me asking. He brought me food and toys for my son. After his grandmother one day called me his ex’s name I asked about her and their life together. She was a single mom with a couple kids and pregnant from another man.,. This woman he had the affair with.. single mom, young child…
So my outspoken nature, my ability to live without “needing” him ( i do i guess just not how likes to help) is what drove him to see me differently? Idk.. but this had crossed my mind before. This need in him to be a savior or sooo appreciated or needed…
Thank you for the re-blog!