Psssssst. Over here. It’s me. I have a meaningless confession to make: I keep starting posts and not finishing them. I can’t decide if it keeps happening because I am afraid of my CONTENT or if I have suddenly become incapable of wording what I want to say without despising how I say it.
Commercial Break: You know, I REALLY admire bloggers who are able to articulate their thoughts in ways that stimulates the mind and/or resonates with the heart. Even if I have never felt that way before, when I read what you write, I have this out-of-body experience where I totally. get. it. So thanks for that.
On the flip side of how amazing you are is ME: Waaaaaaah. When I just CAN’T GET NO SATISFACTION after writing a post, the lameness collects inside my “Drafts” folder in the drawer beside the crickets. Can you hear that? Annoying.
This is worse than writer’s block. I have no problems writing. But it’s like being in writer’s jail, where I am suspect of myself, my emotions, my thoughts, and my motivations. Whatever. Drama.
the Predicament of “Change”
The funny thing behind this is the timing behind it all. I am actually in the middle of a wealth of writing material. I NEED to write about it. I MUST write about it. But I’m trapped inside the jail cell of bleak expression and my finger tips are dulling as I can’t phrase it just right. I hope this doesn’t last forever. But here I am. Forced to make a summary until I get my “Get out of Jail Free” card.
- I chopped my hair off. Yep. Completed the look with a funky color, and it perfectly reflects the happiness & mania I feel inside. Never before has a haircut ever been such a reflection of these things. It’s such a great connection for me spiritually and mentally, even if it’s just a haircut.
- I stopped a gym membership and started a new one. It’s significant for me because it’s on the list of “Vulnerabilities,” and puts me on alert. But I took a class today at the new place and it was FANTASTIC, so I don’t care how vulnerable I feel…it’s no match for me.
- I bought a car. Not just any new car, but the exact car I have been dreaming about for a decade. When I drive it or peer into the garage, I can’t believe it’s mine. That means nothing and everything all at the same time. I could have never done anything to deserve it. And besides, it’s just a car in the sea of cars. The only thing that changes it is that it is mine.
…And perhaps that’s the answer right there: the reason behind my resistance to publish. Perhaps I have come across some thoughts that are. just. mine. Just another thought in the sea of thoughts, but they are just mine. I usually throw my thoughts out there without much thought of how personal and intimate they are to me, but perhaps I’m reticent because I know how quickly my thoughts can change from moment to moment.
As life fills with change…opportunities, resistance and adaptation will follow. We bend our time to adapt to new solutions, yet wrestle when things are never the same again. It’s the classic fight to belong to something meaningful. You can’t do that from prison.
Don’t wait for someone else to find your keys. Break yourself out of your own jail CELL. No one can live your life. Then go and free the other prisoners.”
- (me.) (me.) (& me.)